Suppose the relevance of a blog that it can become a personal diary of ones own thoughts but put on paper for all to read and don't know if feel what I am about to write that I should, but am doing so....anyways my darling Dad has just rung me. Now he is 78 and is full time carer for my darling Mum who has very end stage altzheimers, cannot speak eat move weighs roughly about 4 or 5 stone now and her joints on her legs are now stuck at a right angle....he has two helpers 3 times a day to do the neccessarys...so thats where we are now...anyway back to the phone call unfortunately her body is now starting to swell up, her face, tummy and now her left hand, and my Dad has had to take her wedding rings off etc after 54 years of marriage and even though he is putting a brave face on , the pain in his voice well..
I suppose this is now a page for my thoughts re my darling Mum who has been my bestest friend all through her life, even though for 2 years now she hasn't known who I am and my name has been b....s......d! you get the drift.......I know before long that she will depart (to put it nicely) this planet and I know that to reach 84 she has been lucky......BUT.....the strange thing is I don't want her to go. I know I'm a big girl (woman hahaha) now...but I have learnt that your Mum is your Mum and if you have a lovely beautiful one, the thought of not seeing her, even now when I visit still sit my her chair on the floor and hold her hand just as I did as a little'un and she can still transport me back to that time. There have been very rare glimpses of recognition over the last few weeks when she has looked up at me and done a weak smile and I've said to her you know me don't you....and she has smiled and tried to pronounce my name.....I cannot begin to explain the feeling of elation that has given me and I have come away with a tenderness in my heart, somewhere she knows I'm still her girl. Even more strange is that even though with her illness she has been able to (you know that feeling that only your Mum can give you) its ok for whatever reason. My youngest DD now 26 and married when she comes in says to me "Oh Mum, I need a Mummy hug" whether its been a bad day or whatever and we stand there for a few seconds arms encircled around each other..."these are special strength hug and she says she can feel my love for her going to her.
This is what I used to have from my Mum.............so there we have it for now, strange of me to write this down as am quite a guarded person but hey maybe this blog is my therapy.....
As my Dad says "THE GREAT TAPESTRY OF LIFE"